he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
