I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
too bad you live with your parents still
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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