if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Life is so much better after having sex.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
