tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
