TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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