when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
