i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
