Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
