No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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