Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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