You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
