How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
