is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can you bring me the toilet please
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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