I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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