1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
