The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
