and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
