Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I have so many feelings about this burrito
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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