Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize