I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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