As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
