My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
bring money and cleavage
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
