dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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