I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just pee around me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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