lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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