Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
