the condom got lost in my hair
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
