You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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