i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
my poor anus
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
