You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
