why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
