these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
