someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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