you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We're too hungover to prance.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
