So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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