I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
