please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize