I'm really into asian looking animals
She is in my trunk
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
