she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
