I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
