you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
