Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
