I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
