Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm both gender and math confused
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
