His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
