the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
