I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize