The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
