Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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