Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
