whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
