dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
