Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
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