Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just pee around me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
