i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
