help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
