So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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