my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
